He said. She said.
This morning, our wedding photo caught my attention. It was somehow speaking to me. It captured me with its tale of a blissful, carefree time in our lives.
I felt momentarily contented, surrounded by its joy.
And then a feeling of disbelief crept in.
15 years had passed.
It caught me unaware and I had to stop the tears that were welling up inside my eyes from coming down. It was a surreal moment.
Suddenly I could remember the joy I was feeling as I stepped out of the church.
I was transported back 15 years to Amsterdam, marrying the love of my life.
The cool breeze stung my flushed cheeks, but I couldn’t feel it.
There were bubbles in the air. Someone had brought bubbles!
As we made our way thru the crowd of our family and friends, I felt elated. I was walking as if the ground were made of marshmallows.
I remember there was a horse drawn carriage for us to ride away with. I hadn’t oragnised that!
I remember getting into that carriage with my super fancy dress on…. mama Mia!
There was only love and expectation in the air.
We couldn’t have known what our lives had in store for us, could we? All of the happinesses and the great sadness that we’ve gone thru in these past 15 years had yet to unfold.
The happy couple that I saw looking at me thru the lens of the camera, was left unaware.
It made me stop to wonder if anyone would have told us what the future would bring, would we have listened?
I looked directly in my 15-years-younger-eyes and I could answer that question.
Of course I would have listened, but I couldn’t have known the true depths of what it would all mean.
Let me explain.
I knew by marrying Johan, who led an international lifestyle, I would have to say goodbye to any concepts I previously had of home.
While I appreciated that in some obscure way, now I am faced with managing the expectations of 3 children with our breezy approach to the world.
I wanted children. But how should I have known the true mess that it’s created. The insecurity, the fierce mama-cat-ness of it all brings me to my knees in a split second and then it exhilarates me in the next.
I knew that we would experience ups and downs, times of pure elation and bottomless pits of despair. However, I could not have known what it would truly feel like to hold my twins for the first time. The utter magnificence of life!
Nor could I imagine the crushing pain of loss, after losing my best friend.
In the end, it struck me that I don't know what life has up its sleeve for me, or our children.
But here I am. And I am ready for it.
If you were wondering... I asked Johan the same question. If someone would have told us the future, and he would know that in 15 years, I would suffer a stroke, would he have still married me?
His answer was yes.
I asked WHY?
His answer?
Because 15 years sounds soooo long!!!