3 things I have to re-relearn
Staying home was relatively easy for me.
As anyone in rehabilitation will tell you, it truly doesn't matter what day it is, where it is or who you are with, just as long as you get the work done.
I didn’t suffer any of those panicky moments where it was just me, all alone with nothing to do, no where to go or no one to see. After rehabilitating for one and a half years, I kept up my schedule and even added some bright new toys along the way. I was perfectly happy inside, where I knew that I was safe.
Now that my part of the world is slowly getting back to normal, I feel unsure of myself and my abilities to roll with the punches. I am not ashamed to admit this to you, I am scared.
Scared because this world has shown me that it is a big, dark creepy place, one where bad things happen to unsuspecting people. I am not saying that this is a rational thought, but it is my fear, one which I try to manage every day.
With all of the mental tennis going on in my head, it strikes me that I have another few lessons to re-relearn.
It honestly seems unfair that after my stroke, I was trying my best to regain these faculties. Just when I thought I was making headway, then we were hit with the pandemic, which turned everything sideways.
So, in the spirit of coping with what life has in store for us, here are the skills that I am (still!) working on.
Flexibility
It can be said that with a brain injury you are ‘reduced’ to your most basic self. Even before my stroke I was not known for my flexibility.
Prior, I would like to think that I could see a situation and recognise all of the possible reactions before dealing with it. Even if I chose the harsh way around, it was my choice.
I could deal with logical solutions to my problems, even if I didn’t agree with them.
When dealing with the COVID virus, I remember laughing about it back in February. Jeez, I planned my escape from Tokyo to Switzerland (of all places) when the schools closed.
White reaction.
It was there, in Switzerland, that my inner demons started their dance and creepy alarm bells started to flare up, screaming in my head. They were shouting at the top of their voices ‘avoid this at all costs!’ and ‘run for your life’.
Black reaction.
See, what the stroke took away from me is everything in between. It is black or it is white. Shades of grey don’t exist in my mind.
The same goes for the rational messages that are delivered by concerned friends and family about the virus. If they don't match my perception of reality, or what I’m thinking at that precise moment, they will fall on deaf ears.
I hate this about my stroke. It is one of the most debilitating aspects. Forget my leg! Forget my voice! If I could change this one thing, how happy would I be?
So, I’m caught in a weird cult of one, who just cannot accept any logic if it doesn't match her narrative. I have to break free.
I spend a lot of time reflecting on what the real situation is and what is preventing me from seeing this reality. It takes time and only I can put the pieces back together the way that I see fit.
On the topic of COVID, I listened to a friend who spoke to me in a very logical, rational and non-aggressive manner. He wasn't trying to prove anything. He had no skin in the game.
He delivered the right message at precisely the right time in the perfect manner.
It got me thinking, if I want to get out of this weird cult of one, my ideas of what is or is not acceptable have to seriously be stretched.
Expansion
It is not this precise; you’re not either going to get COVID from stepping outside or be safe from it by staying inside.
Over the past few weeks, I have realised that my brain needs to stop seeing things so black or white. To consider other options would be a gift.
I can help this by focusing outwards instead of inwards. After carefully weighing my perception of the risk that’s involved with any given activity, I need to be willing to accept outside influences.
Once I can see the possibilities, I need to be able to do these things:
Accept the fear that comes with trying something new
Weigh (on my scale) the risks versus the rewards
Navigate!
Fluid thinking
If I could only get here!
Beginning to see the possibilities and having my choice seems like the icing on the cake. However, if I can’t find a fork to eat the cake with, I’m still faced with a problem.
At this point, if I hit a stumbling block, my go-to reaction is either to crawl deep inside of my covers and eat ice cream or perseverate on it like it’s my job.
At a certain point, however, I find myself wanting to pedal around, taking other perspectives into consideration. I am making progress.
Now, I have to think deeply about my actions and reactions. As a part of finding my Stacie 2.0, I endeavor to look outwards for answers, by discussing my problems with friends and family (and truly hearing their responses). I’ll be honest, that’s difficult for me.
However, what is trickier is finding the space to let myself just roll with the punches. Sometimes I might win and sometimes I might not get so lucky. What is important, I think, is that after each challenge I recap. Was it a win? Or do I have to alter the path?
The world may or may not be a big, dark, creepy place.
I’m choosing to manage my perception of it.
I’m not saying I see unicorns, but a touch of flowers can’t hurt!